Masacistic Theatre
by Azzi Vile
Summary: What happens when I think too much on Jak3. Good clean fun (by some standards)
1. Drunken 'Bar'mitzvah

READ THIS OR YOU'LL NEVER REMEMBER ANOTHER WAKING MOMENT!!!!  
  
Azzi: thats me!! Ok so this is my first Jak II thingie, I've been obsessed with this game so I had to do it. It's a 'self inserted' thing so if you don't like those sort of stories, you can 1.)Deal with it 2.)fall asleep 3.)ingnore its existence or 4.)use that little back button at the top left-hand corner of the screen,   
  
Also a note that if you don't read this you are:  
  
1.)Wasting my time  
  
or  
  
2.)You have better things to do  
  
Both are understandable......Whats that? Quit ranting? fine!!! Read you little story, eat you fat-free chips, and have your fun!! See if I care!!  
  
~_^  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~:::...Chapter 1...:::~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
,,;;Drunken 'Bar'mitzvah;;,,  
  
Azzi is seen in a Masterpeice Theatre like setting; you know, with a fancy chair, fireplace and books at every corner. She is sitting in that fancy chair in a maroon bath robe yadayadayada.....  
  
Azzi: Welcome everyone, except you! Why are you here!! I thought you were to good to read stories...  
  
Torn appears in front of the camera, Azzi is ranting in the back.  
  
Torn: excuse her, she has a high sodium intake and...  
  
Azzi: kittie!! (tackles Torn)  
  
Azzi has been thrown into the book case.  
  
Azzi: oh fine, I'll read you one of my favorite stories   
  
Grabs a huge black book and sets it in her lap, pulls out some reading glass and prepares to read a passage.  
  
Azzi: "....and then God came down to earth and looked opon Adam and said, 'boy this place smells like chicken'"  
  
Torn: wrong scripture...  
  
Azzi: big deal...  
  
Torn: read the right one...  
  
Azzi:(sigh) ok, this is the story about how we all got drunk this one night ....  
  
**Flashback like thingie**  
  
Jak, Torn, Daxter, Tess, and Azzi were seated around this table with the maps and strategic stuff (bear with me, its stupid humor), when all of a sudden someone speaks up....  
  
Torn: yep  
  
Jak: yup  
  
Daxter:uh huh  
  
Tess: hmmmm  
  
Azzi:(head on table)zzzzZZZZzzzzzzZZZZZ  
  
Torn:this sux, lets just get to the part were we're smashed....  
  
10 minutes later....  
  
Jak, Daxter, Torn, and Tess are all drunk and Azzi's still asleep. Meanwhile, Daxter is inside a pickle jar, Jak has a lampshade on his head, and has somehow tied himself to the ceiling lamp cord, and Torn is reminiscing about his guard days and is barking orders at himself in a mirror.  
  
Suddenly Azzi wakes up...  
  
Azzi: I'm awake (looks around the room)  
  
Jak is pretending to turn himself on and off...  
  
Jak: CLICK i'm on; CLICK I'm off (input sounds of stretching and crumbling)  
  
Daxter is still inside the pickle jar, only its full toothpaste  
  
Daxter: now I'm crestfully clean  
  
Tess ran away  
  
Torn: don't you give me that tone of voice, yeah I'm talking to you, cause your big and ugly, ARE YOU THREATENING ME!!?? (punches mirror)  
  
Azzi takes one more look around the room and came to a shocking conclusion.  
  
Azzi: whoa...I'm SOBER!!!!  
  
(switches back to Azzi in the chair)  
  
Azzi: Oh!! I scare myself!  
  
Keira: ok make a long story short, they.......  
  
Azzi:(indistinct words)  
  
Keira ran away  
  
Azzi: and so back to our story  
  
(back to the story)  
  
Azzi: ok, to make a long story short, we all got married to each other and woke up one day in the Walmart parking lot eating chips and dip and we adopted 8 little dogs and apparently Torn gots a tatoo of My Little Pony on his back; how do I know this you ask?  
  
::Please pause for a moment of silence::  
  
Azzi:.........  
  
Torn:.........  
  
Tess:.........  
  
Jak:..........  
  
Daxter:.......  
  
All together: Ipledge Allegance to the flag blahblahblahblah....  
  
End. 


	2. Memories Memories

And now another episode of Masicistic Theatre   
  
Azzi: thank you voice of God!   
  
God: no prob.  
  
Azzi: anywho, todays story will be about the more innocent times back in the day where we wished and wished and wished with all our hearts and came up empty handed now, YES the story of our childhood  
  
Jak: Azzi, maybe we shouldn't....  
  
Azzi brings out a chainsaw and begins to oil the chain.  
  
Azzi: oh! I'm sorry I couldn't really concentrate now that I have my dad's huge chainsaw here. In front of me. To use when ever I please.  
  
And-Jak goes bye bye, anyways on with the story of our childhood memories.  
  
,,,,,,,,,,,,,;;;;;;;;;;;BIG Flashback!!;;;;;;;;;;,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,  
  
Jak, Keira, Daxter(younger), and Azzi where sitting in little tiny desks in a reasonably small room with a chalk board at the head of the room, then Samos walks into the room and begins to write the alphabet on the board.(remember: little kids in preschool nothing too drastic)  
  
Samos: ok now lets start with the alphabet  
  
All: Alfabit ohhhhh  
  
Daxter: like soup  
  
Samos: uh yeah thats it, lets start with the letter A, say A  
  
All: A (look at each other)ooooooohhhhhh  
  
Samos: B  
  
All: B (again they look at one another)ahhhhhhhhh  
  
A few minutes later  
  
Samos:(yawning) Z  
  
All: zzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz  
  
Samos: ok kids wake up! Wait! One....two....three.....no four! Where's Daxter!  
  
Azzi: I know! I know!  
  
Keira: your such a tattle tell  
  
Azzi: am not  
  
Keira: are too!  
  
Azzi: I hate you  
  
Keira: Well I hate you more  
  
Azzi: Well I'd hate you even if you were me! Thats how much I hate you!  
  
.........:::::::Back To Present:::::::::.............  
  
Azzi: oh yeah, I rule.   
  
Puts on a hockey mask and contnues making her ice sculpture with her chainsaw  
  
............:::::::::::::::Flashback thingie::::::::::..............  
  
Samos: ok now its time to see what you made in arts and crafts time, Jak?  
  
Jak holds up a little clay birdie,(behold that of which is cute)  
  
Samos: very nice, Keira?  
  
Keira hold up a little clay car.  
  
Samos: very good, Daxter?  
  
(oh yeah, huh? he came back!)  
  
a weird G.I Joe looking thingie was in his hands  
  
Samos: uhhhh.......  
  
Daxter: its my dog  
  
Samos: ok, uh Azzi, please show us what ever it is that you made  
  
( a sudden veiw of the cottage from the outside)  
  
............::::::::Present::::::..........  
  
Azzi: wait for it......  
  
.............:::::::::::::Flashback:::::::::::::::..............  
  
suddenly the entire shack explodes  
  
Everyone that was inside the shack stood emotionless and soon began to glare at Azzi.  
  
Azzi: I made a daisy  
  
(Again with the moment of silence)  
  
Azzi: An EXPLODING daisy  
  
Azzi(narrating): and so to make a long story short, we didn't learn a thing from Samos and continued to learn out side of his shack, and I found a egg and named it Huey, Keira went into mechanics blah blah blah, but then one day I was sitting inside and I said "boy I'm hungry" so I began to look at Huey, then my tummy started talking to me so beat it senseless, threw up once or twice and did a little dance with my new friend Huey.  
  
...............:::::::::::::::::Present (again):::::::::::::...............  
  
Azzi: that story always brings a tear to my eyes, for you see my friends Huey was and still is my best friend, see, look!  
  
Azzi gets "Huey" out of her pocket, its blue and green and has a few black moldy spots and has mushrooms growning all over it.  
  
Azzi: (choked) I love ya man  
  
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::I'M A CENSOR BLOCK, FEAR ME:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::  
  
*Due to the graphic nature of this program we will now show you a picture of a cute little platapus*  
  
(Screams are being heard and are gradually getting louder)  
  
Azzi is seen in front of the huge picture of the platapus, gawking at its size   
  
Azzi: HENRY!!!!!!!!  
  
yeah uh......End! 


	3. Bring Me MEN!

Azzi: Oh, an update in how long?

Note: Ok, in this story there is a tiny Jak3 SPOILER so Beware, mkay?

Narrator: And now the moment you all have been waiting for! The one, the only, gives money to the poor, does her homework, the incomparable Azzi!!!

Azzi is sitting in her big fluffy chair. Its red.

Azzi: thank you

Narrator: Can I have those pictures now?

Azzi: we'll see. Anyways, Thank you for waiting for another Masacistic Theatre. This time we have a special episode revolving around Jak3, (oh yeah) during my months of rehabilitaion, I have waited for this game, and have come to a very shocking conclusion on my part.

Jak: really.

Azzi: yes

Torn: (sarcastically)This has got me wondering

Azzi: I have fallen under supreme infatuation with Torn AND Jinx.

Then the world stops spinning

Azzi: we'll talk about this later

Azzi pulls out a book and begins to read

Azzi:Ok, this one time....

...:::Flashback:::...

Jak, Torn, and everyone else you can think of (you can be there too if you want, I won't remember) are in the Naughty Ottsel, having a good time, ya know.

Jak: Dammit Daxter, get down from there!

Daxter: No! Torn's down there!

Torn: Come on Daxter, lets go outside and talk this over...

Daxter: No!

Jak: Why not?!

Daxter: Outside there are no witnesses. (How true!)

Jak: Why's he afraid of you?

Torn: Get your furry orange ass down here and pay for that!

Money falls from above, Torn snatches it and walks back to the bar.

..::you thinking::..

You: What happened?

..::you stopped thinking::..

Azzi: Only the Azzi knows.

Jak goes to the bar to join everyone in the drinking festivities, but a small precursor beacon falls from Jak's pocket.

Azzi: Toy!

You can guess who picks it up.

Jak: (talking with bar members) Man I swear, do those desert marauders have jobs or something because....

Azzi puts Jak in a headlock and drags him from the table.

Azzi: What is this? Does this thing have any purpose? I keep pressing the big button in the middle, but all it does is flash. What's up with that?

...:::Back in the present:::...

Azzi: Please tell me you know what I'm talking about, you know that thing, its not the flashing thing in the beginning, but...its...the.................Well Fine, Jeeze!

...:::Back to Story:::...

Jak:(Muffled)(Hell if I know what he's saying)

Azzi keeps pressing the button in aggrivation. When suddenly a distant rumble begins to shake and stir the entire bar, then suddenly the wall breaks and an entire army of dune buggies is in the former walls wake.

Everyone looks at the army in shock. Then the cars begin to spew out countless amounts of wastelanders.

Azzi: It's a blessing from Heaven! This BUTTON has brung me MEN!

...:::To the Present:::...

Azzi: Nothing is more hilarious, than that of an entire army of confused wastelanders, isn't that right?

Camera pans over to the entire army, chained up in leashes to one another.

Wastland army:(scattered) Eh....This sux....I've been standing for 3 days!

Azzi: Didn't expect that did ya?

...:::you at home:::...

You: WTF!

...:::present:::...

Azzi: And before I go I want you to see this teddy I made at the Build-A-Hypoallergenic-Non-abused-Unendangered-Thing-Workshop.

Holds up a yellow bunny, with its ears tied back into a ponytail, and a fake cigar in its mouth.

Azzi: it's Jinx, oh yes, and look if you press its little paw it says:

Jinx voice:(singing) Friday night, and I'm feelin' alright, Friday nig.....HEY GET OUT OF HERE!

Azzi: he was in the shower. And if you press his foot, he screams! Well that's enough for today.

END!!


End file.
